Responding, Not Reacting: How the Enneagram Builds Emotional Insight
Have you ever found yourself puzzled or frustrated by someone's actions?
Of course you have.
It's so easy to jump to judgment when we encounter behaviors we don't understand or agree with. But what if we shifted our perspective?
Our behaviors are influenced by how we perceive the world, the thoughts that run through our minds, and the symphony of our physical and emotional states. When someone is disconnected from their bodily needs, unaware of their emotional landscape, or holding onto limiting beliefs, their actions might not always be the most productive, or congruent with our own biased expectations.
The most powerful tool at our disposal for deepening our understanding of one another and fostering better relationships is curiosity. Instead of immediately judging the behaviors we find challenging, what if we paused, took a deep breath, and asked ourselves:
"How does this person's words and behaviors make sense given how they might be feeling?"
By stepping into this mindset of genuine curiosity, we unlock the potential to connect with others on a deeper level, fostering empathy and understanding.
To help us explore this further, let's consider potential underlying feelings and corresponding behaviors through the lens of the Enneagram:
Type 1
They may be correcting you and focusing on details you may not think matter in the big picture.
Because they may be feeling a sense of responsibility to do things right, a fear of imperfection or making mistakes, or a strong internal critic driving them towards higher standards.
What it looks like to hold space for this: Acknowledge their attention to detail and the value of accuracy. You might say, "I appreciate you pointing that out. It's helpful to have that clarity." Try to understand their underlying desire for improvement rather than perceiving it as criticism.
Type 2
They may be offering unsolicited help, becoming overly involved in your affairs, or seeking validation through being needed.
Because they may be feeling a deep need to be loved and appreciated, a fear of being unwanted, or a belief that they must earn love by being useful.
What it looks like to hold space for this: Express gratitude for their kindness while also setting healthy boundaries if needed. You could say, "Thank you so much for offering. I've got this for now, but I appreciate you thinking of me." Recognize their underlying desire to connect and be helpful.
Type 3
They may be boasting about their accomplishments, prioritizing tasks over relationships, or appearing overly focused on image and success.
Because they may be feeling a need to be seen as successful and valuable rooted in a fear of failure or being perceived as inadequate and unworthy.
What it looks like to hold space for this: Acknowledge their efforts and achievements without necessarily fueling the need for constant validation. You might say, "That's great to hear about your progress." Try to connect with the person behind the accomplishments.
Type 4
They may be expressing intense emotions, withdrawing into themselves, or focusing on what's missing and expressing their resulting disappointment with the way things are.
Because they may be feeling a deep longing for something more, to be seen and understood, to be creative, and the need to tend to their interior world.
What it looks like to hold space for this: Offer empathy and validation for their feelings without trying to fix anything. Express your commitment to simply being present with them when things feel light and when things feel heavy for them. Recognize their underlying desire to be seen and belong.
Type 5
They may be retreating into their minds, guarding their time and resources, prioritizing knowledge and analysis over personal connection.
Because they may be feeling a need to protect themselves from emotional overwhelm or becoming depleted by external demands, wanting to understand the world before engaging with it.
What it looks like to hold space for this: Respect their need for space and contemplation. Avoid pressuring them to engage more than they are prepared, knowing that they need to process emotions from a safe distance. When they share, listen attentively and appreciate their insights.
Type 6
They may be questioning authority, anticipating potential problems, poking holes in your ideas, and projecting their fears through catastrophizing.
Because they may be feeling a fundamental sense of insecurity or anxiety, a need to feel safe and prepared for potential threats, informed by a tendency to doubt themselves and others.
What it looks like to hold space for this: Offer reassurance and stability where possible. Be reliable and follow through on your commitments. Know that their worst-case-scenario questions aren’t necessarily a reflection of their own beliefs, but an attempt to ensure that challenges are being explored from all possible angles. Acknowledge their concerns without dismissing them.
Type 7
They may be constantly seeking new experiences and stimulation, avoiding difficult emotions, and becoming easily distracted.
Because they may be feeling a fear of being trapped or missing out, a desire to experience all that life has to offer, while avoiding pain and discomfort.
What it looks like to hold space for this: Appreciate their enthusiasm and optimism. Gently bring them back to the present moment when needed. Value their celebratory spirit and commitment to ongoing exploration.
Type 8
They may be being assertive or confrontational, taking control of situations, or appearing intimidating.
Because they may be feeling a need to be strong and in control, a fear of being vulnerable or controlled by others, or a belief that they need to protect themselves and those they care about.
What it looks like to hold space for this: Be direct and honest in your interactions. Respect their strength and leadership while also holding your own ground respectfully. Try to understand their underlying desire for justice and protection. Know that they are most intense when they feel most vulnerable.
Type 9
They may be avoiding conflict, going along with others' opinions, or appearing passive, stubborn, or disengaged.
Because they may be feeling a desire for internal and external peace and harmony, fueled by a fear that conflict or self-assertion will cause irreparable separation from those they care about.
What it looks like to hold space for this: Create a safe space for them to share their own desires, thoughts, and feelings, while demonstrating that differing opinions and healthy conflicts can strengthen relationships and outcomes. Validate their desire for peace while gently encouraging them to own their power and be fully present.
By cultivating curiosity and considering the potential underlying feelings behind others’ behaviors, we can move away from judgment and towards connection. We can help foster a more compassionate world one interaction at a time.
