“Don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about…”
I grew up in a “Don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about” world. Depending on your generation, you may have heard those words a time or two, along with “get over it” and “suck it up”. My father was a well-intentioned man whom I loved. I wasn’t a frequent crier, but if tears happened to surface during a scolding, my dad’s immediate reaction was to try and put me out like I was on fire. With his fight-or-flight response activated by the mess of tender emotion, which overwhelmed his intellect, he’d often attempt to “put me out” and regain control of the situation through promises of escalating wrath if I didn’t “pull it together” quick enough. This, of course, wasn’t about me. It was about a generation of men who were often under-equipped to navigate the steep terrain of the heart.
As a 3 on the enneagram, I internalized a message early and often that it wasn’t okay to have my own feelings or identity. This untrue, and self-limiting belief, is a core part of the enneagram 3 type structure that leads to conditioned patterns of tuning in quickly to others to see what they feel - to assess what is considered acceptable, admirable, and good, and then subtly morph into the best representation of that environment, culture, or subculture, at the expense of one’s own authentic emotions or expression.
Regardless of your dominant ennea-type, we’ve all been conditioned to feel certain ways about our feelings. My entire life, I’ve felt shame whenever I’ve felt sad. My core emotion of sadness leads to a meta-emotion of shame (how I feel about the way that I’m feeling) because the narrative I internalized that boys don’t cry. In other words, sometimes a predominant emotion can be a reaction to compensate, mask, or deny an underlying emotion that we were conditioned to believe wasn’t okay to have.
In January’s edition of EQ ENNEAGRAM, I encouraged you to give yourself permission to really feel your emotions without over-identifying with them, rationalizing them, numbing them, or avoiding them through various distraction techniques. We must learn to feel our feelings and then compassionately interrogate what our emotions are trying to communicate to us. When we tap into the full power of our emotions, we have the opportunity to illuminate the thoughts and beliefs that sit underneath these emotions. And this includes our meta-emotions.
A key component for building our emotional intelligence is to become mindfully aware of the scripts we carry about the emotions we experience. Do you judge yourself when you feel angry? Do you feel guilty for feeling sad? Do you feel shame or judgment when experiencing fear? If so, what are the stories you’re holding onto about having these emotions? Are the stories true?
The narratives we carry around with us each day profoundly impact our relationships, our well-being, our leadership, and so much more. Emotional well-being beckons us to mindfully observe and name our emotions and our meta-emotions. All of our emotions are to be welcomed as valid experiences and sources of insight, but let us not confuse them with valid affirmations of the frames we hold or prescriptions for action.
So, how do you feel about what you are feeling?
Recommendations
Here are two resources that have inspired me recently and that I hope will deepen your emotional and spiritual growth:
Podcast:
Why Leaders Need to Confront Their Trauma from The Evolving Leader Podcast
In this episode of The Evolving Leader podcast, co-hosts Jean Gomes and Emma Sinclair talk to Mike Skrypnek. Mike is a strategist helping entrepreneurs and industry leaders find their happiness.
Book
Order my Book: The Enneagram of Emotional Intelligence
Chart a personality-specific path toward lasting emotional health and improved interpersonal relationships by integrating the nine types with the essential skills of emotional intelligence.
Need Support? Click here for Consultations, Workshops, and Coaching Inquiries.
Thank you for being part of the EQEnneagram community. I’m honored to share this journey with you and look forward to deepening our exploration of awareness, emotional intelligence, and the transformative power of the Enneagram in 2025.
Warmly,
Scott
