What We Pay Attention To Determines What We Miss - What are we missing?
A healthy regard for ourselves and others are foundational building blocks for emotional intelligence. Our self-awareness and emotional regulation, as well as our ability to develop and sustain healthy interpersonal relationships must be built on the premise that “I’m okay. And You’re okay”. This, unfortunately, seems to be a vanishing baseline in the age of social media. We tend to be so convinced that the frames we see through are the correct ones, that we simply cannot fathom how others could see differently. This feeling of conviction often leads to heated, emotion-fueled “debates” that produce seemingly endless amounts of fighting (with a bit of name-calling thrown in for good measure), with little-to-no learning, understanding, or personal evolution. No Perspective-taking.
However, when “I’m ok, you’re ok” is our mindset, we are able to engage others from a non-inflated or deflated position of personal worth (I’m ok). From this place of authentic humility we become open to listening to diverse perspectives with curiosity and empathy, without pressure to agree or disagree, in order to genuinely consider and understand (You’re ok). This mindset of genuine openness enables us to take in and consider multiple perspectives without feeling like our identity is under threat if we update our beliefs and/or change our minds.
Why is it so important to intentionally have this mindset? Because our egos will always try to convince us that we don’t need to. The ego tells us that we see things clearly and accurately already (even when we don’t). The ego will tell us we are self-aware when, often, the opposite is the case. The ego will always obscure that which doesn't align with what we want to be true about the world. The ego will make us feel certain about topics that we don’t fully understand or appreciate. The ego will always beckon us to pay attention to that which affirms our beliefs. And in a world that is, in many ways, becoming more uncertain, our egos often try to mitigate the metabolic drain that the feeling of uncertainty has on our system by doubling-down on our preferred way of seeing, thinking, feeling, and behaving - trying to combat the reality of uncertainty by conjuring feelings of greater certainty about the way things are or “should be”. In other words, our egos will elevate our opinions to the position of convictions, leaving us defensive and closed-off to new ways of seeing.
To illustrate (while offering no personal political opinion or judgment), in many countries, political divides are becoming more extreme as opinions are being elevated to immovable convictions, at scale, as an appeal to our coveting of certainty. Which side of the aisle we choose may have less to do with our ethics and values (although those do play an important role, of course), and more to do with how the political rhetoric we hear aligns with our personality type (ego structure) within our respective social context. Some ego structures idealize the past - not because the past was better, but because we understand it better (which makes it feel better; safer). And because, as Soren Kierkergaard said, “life can only be understood backwards”, the allure is an invitation to re-enter an era we now better understand (even though we didn’t at the time), which satiates the brain’s craving for certainty in a world that is becoming less certain.
For others, they might be more inclined to ignore the past altogether and plunge head-first into an unknown future with an almost reckless abandon. Some ego structures try to escape reality by retreating into themselves and focusing solely on their own internal worlds, while some ego structures want rapid change just because change is stimulating to them (predictability produces anxiety and boredom). And there are many other personal strategies (and corresponding beliefs) for trying to cope with a more uncertain, faster moving, rapidly changing world. Whatever your ego’s preferred strategy, our common assumption is, “my frames are the right frames”. But, as Carl Jung said, “Thoroughly unprepared, we take the step into the afternoon of life. Worse still, we take this step with the false presupposition that our truths and our ideals will serve us as hitherto. But we cannot live the afternoon of life according to the program of life’s morning, for what was great in the morning will be little at evening and what in the morning was true, at evening will have become a lie.”
Growth Work:
Curiosity is the antidote for “certainty”. So,as a starting place for learning to see differently, I invite you to get more curious about what your dominant enneatype naturally pays attention to, and what the other 8 types naturally pay attention to. Each of us has a natural habit of attention that informs much of what we see and, therefore, what we miss. The chart below is a simplistic look at our natural habit of attention that serves and reinforces part of our respective ego structures, while simultaneously limiting our sight lines and perspectives (Please keep in mind, these are very basic descriptions just to get us started on learning to appreciate that we are often wearing very limiting frames, and how to start breaking our habit of attention.Doing advanced work with the enneagram will illuminate the more consequential frames we tend to hold up to situations, and how to put on different frames as the situation requires)
Type 1
Habit of Attention
When 1s walk into a room they look for what is wrong and how they can fix or improve it. They then quickly start putting things and people into boxes of right and wrong.
Breaking The Habit
Recognize that you weren’t invited into the room to fix anything or anyone, but to just be in the room. Remember that 80% is often well enough & that there is often beauty to be found in the imperfections all around us.
Type 2
Habit of Attention
When 2s walk in the room they look for a particular person to connect with, and identifies those who may need their help even if they don’t know it yet. They may use flattery and unsolicited advice as a means to feeling loved, wanted, and appreciated.
Breaking The Habit
Resist projecting your own needs onto another by taking the time to recognize what you are feeling. Practice identifying your own needs and courageously communicate those needs directly without apology or shame.
Type 3
Habit of Attention
When 3s walk into the room they immediately notice the desires, expectations, values, climate, clothing, and overall vibe of the room, and then automatically adapts to become the best representation of that environment in order to impress and win the approval and admiration of others.
Breaking The Habit
Through thoughtful introspection, question your intentions before saying a word or taking any actions in the rooms you enter. Adopt a daily practice of checking in with yourself, naming your emotions, and reflecting on, “Who am I and what do I really want?”
Type 4
Habit of Attention
When 4s walk into the room they immediately feel what is missing by introjecting the aesthetics, metaphors, and feelings in the room, and then quickly compares the experience of this room to an idealized version of a past experience.
Breaking The Habit
Recognize when you are busy with comparisons. Ask yourself if what you are feeling is objectively true, or perhaps the result of romanticizing the past. Ask yourself, “How would I feel if I stopped believing the thing that I’m believing right now?”
Type 5
Habit of Attention
When 5s walk into the room they immediately assess who or what in the room may steal energy from them, and then strive to create emotional buffers between themselves and others.
Breaking The Habit
Intentionally move from observing to engaging with others by physically stepping into the space with a posture of openness and receptivity. Recognize that the energy you expend will return to you with dividends.
Type 6
Habit of Attention
When 6s walk into the room they immediately scan the room for potential hazards and threats in order to feel safe and prepared for anything that might go wrong and cause themselves, or others, harm.
Breaking The Habit
Relax your body and remember all of the successful experiences you’ve had in rooms just like this one. Allow this remembering to bring you encouragement that all will be okay in this room too. Accepting uncertainty will help move you from fear to courage, from cowardice to faith.
Type 7
Habit of Attention
When 7s walk into the room they immediately scan for all the possible opportunities to enhance their experience while also (though less consciously) scan for possible limitations (people) to avoid.
Breaking The Habit
Practice looking for less. Focus your attention on just one person for longer and notice that this doesn’t limit your options, but rather enriches the experience you have by becoming fully present in the moment.
Type 8
Habit of Attention
When 8s walk in the room they immediately look for who has the power in the room and assesses if they are using it well. If not, they may feel the need to take over, asserting themselves and taking control.
Breaking The Habit
Discipline yourself to avoid challenging people in the room. Reduce your oppositional energy and notice that your real power comes from your compassion, empathy, and vulnerability.
Type 9
Habit of Attention
When 9s walk in the room they quietly listen for any consensus that they need to merge with. They may struggle to believe that their presence in the room mattress, so may make themselves smaller and less noticeable through passive acquiescence.
Breaking The Habit
Make yourself bigger through a conscious connection to your own thoughts, will, and agenda. State your views and opinions even if others may disagree. You are in the room already so choose to show all the way up, then notice that everyone is better off for having experienced the fullness of you.
When we understand and then constructively disrupt our default habits of attention, we can then practice seeing things through other perspectives - from rather inconsequential matters at first, then with matters of greater and greater significance. Perspective-taking fosters stronger relationships, enhances our communication, helps us quickly resolve conflict, and enables us to appreciate that each of us sees something, but none of us sees everything. We truly need each other.
As we walk together into the unknown future, may we each prioritize curiosity over certainty, and connection over conviction.
