IF ONLY…
Polarizing Politics. Climate change. Racial inequities. Democratic destabilization. The rising cost of healthcare. The rising cost of housing. War. Erosion of the Middle Class. Media Manipulation. AI. The incessant ping of our mobile devices. Algorithms hijacking our freedom to think. Caring for children. Caring for aging parents. The seemingly elusive dream of achieving any Work/Life Balance. The steady rise in anxiety… is to name but a few of the realities that have likely just produced a felt-shift in your emotional state merely from reading one or more of the challenges of our time.
Whether it’s the political landscape, climate breakdown, or the digital echo chambers we inhabit, most of us are walking around with a low-grade sense of vertigo. When the world feels this shaky, we may find ourselves dreaming of a better time as we mutter to ourselves, “if only…”
Beyond our “if only’s” about those who may actively interfere with the general wellbeing of others and the world we inhabit, we also each have our own personality-specific “if only” that often gets in our own way - actually distracting us from meaningfully, or sustainably, contributing to the collective good.
"If Only" is a mental loophole that promises us peace dependent upon a future that hasn’t happened. We tell ourselves: "If only X, then I would finally feel Y." In the midst of so much uncertainty and painful realities, it is natural to want to mentally and emotionally escape, but here is a hard truth: Our fear and suffering is made worse from our refusal to be here, now.
To find a hope that actually holds weight - not a fluffy, unfounded naive optimism - or an ego-informed fantasy - but a gritty belief that there are futures worth working for, requires our presence above all else.
We have to look honestly at what is, so we can finally move toward what’s possible. Here are some common “if only” mindset traps by Enneagram type, and how you might bring yourself back to the present.
Type 1:
The Trap: "If only things were the way they are supposed to be. If only I could make everything right. If only everyone would do what they are supposed to do, then I could relax."
The Reality: You are holding the weight of the world’s "brokenness" on your shoulders, which only perpetuates resentment.
The Remedy:Practice total Acceptance. Try doing less. Be honest about your anger, knowing anger is a perfectly acceptable emotion to feel now. Allow the world to be "imperfect" and know that it’s not your responsibility to fix everything.
Type 2:
The Trap: “If only people knew my real value. If only people cared as much as I care. If only people would receive my support and advice, then I would feel loved.”
The Reality: Your focus on others is often a sophisticated way of avoiding your own inner ache.
The Remedy:Turn inward. Notice your impulse to focus on others as a means to avoiding tuning-in to your own needs and feelings. What would you feel and do if you weren’t concerned about what anyone else thought?
Type 3:
The Trap: “If only I reach the next milestone. If only I achieved all of my goals. If only people could see how much I’ve achieved. If only I could impress the right people… then, I’d feel really good about myself.”
The Reality: You are running on a treadmill that has no finish line. Success is a moving goalpost and your real value is separate from what you do - it is found in your authenticity.
The Remedy:Practice Stillness. Notice the sadness you mask through "doing." Try sitting for 20 minutes with no phone, no task, and no audience. Feel the value of your being, independent of your doing. Do nothing for extended periods of time and feel what you feel,
Type 4:
The Trap: “If only people could really understand what I’m feeling. If only l truly belonged. If only I had that 'missing piece'... then I would feel whole and complete."
The Reality: You are waiting for a rescue that you don’t require. Envy is lying to you.
The Remedy:Find beauty in the ordinary. Wholeness is a present-tense reality, not an ideal or something to be found in a romanticised version of the future. Get into your body - go for a walk, wash the dishes - and let emotions come and go without over-identifying with any of them.
Type 5:
The Trap: “If only I had more information. If only I could completely understand this. If only I could safeguard my resources and had fewer demands on me, then I would be ready to participate fully.”
The Reality: There is no such thing as "enough" data, or enough hoarding of your resources, to make the world feel safe.
The Remedy:Move from Observation to Participation. Bring your awareness down from your head and into your physical sensations. Open your hands to receive and release. Give something of yourself away today - energy, time, or emotion - and notice that your reservoir doesn't actually run dry.
Type 6:
The Trap: “If only I could accurately predict all risks and find a way to protect myself and my loved ones. If only I could be certain of the future. If only I could trust myself completely, then I wouldn't be afraid."
The Reality: Certainty is an illusion.
The Remedy:Courageous Acceptance. Get out of your head and into your body. Trust your gut and know that you have survived 100% of your worst days. You have the resources to handle the unknown as it arrives. Reflect on the fact that you are here and safe.
Type 7:
The Trap: “If only I had no limits. If only I could avoid all painful emotions. If only I could experience a little bit of all possibilities, then I wouldn’t have to feel this fear and inner emptiness.”
The Reality: Gluttony for experience is a distraction that causes you to miss out on being present in your own plans.
The Remedy:Mental Sobriety. Stay with one experience—even a boring or painful one—until it is finished. Don't jump to the next plan. The "fullness" of life includes the dark colors, too; don't paint over them.
Type 8:
The Trap: “If only I had total control over my environment, then I would be safe from vulnerability. If only I could change the world with my passion and power.”
The Reality: Control is an illusion.
The Remedy:Practice Surrender. Realize that true power is the ability to be affected by the world, not just to impact it. Slow down. Let someone else lead. Allow your heart to be as active as your willpower.
Type 9:
The Trap: “If only I could maintain my equilibrium. If only I could avoid that which disrupts my peace. If only people didn't demand anything of me, then I could be at peace…”
The Reality: Comfort is not the same thing as peace. Avoidance is just a slow-motion way of disappearing.
The Remedy:Self-Remembering. Practice self-remembering, and take notice of all the ways you tend to fall asleep to your own desires. Connect to your anger and inner drive. Own your voice, practice being present, and lean into the discomfort of waking up…
From "What Is" to "What's Possible"
When we drop the "If Only," we can become present to reality. It might feel scanter or scarier than our fantasies, but it's the only ground we can actually build on.
Hope isn't found in a world where everything finally goes our way. Hope is found when we realize that even in a polarized, uncertain world, we have the agency to show up, right now, as our most integrated selves. If we all committed to that work, we could raise the collective consciousness of our world. I find a lot of hope in that.
